1999 MTV Video Music Awards

Regis Philbin comes out and introduces Fatboy Slim. Regis? What the...? When I lived in Ann Arbor, there was a record store that always had novelty and other weird album covers in their window, and one was the album that Regis held up. I actually recognized it when he brought it out because I walked by that window every day. Anyway, Fatboy Slim has the dance troupe from his video, and it's still funny, although I wish they could have yelled out, "We've got the b-boy moves."

Renee Zellweger got caught in a wind tunnel with a crimping iron. Jim asks me why women do that to their hair. I explain how crimping was popular in the 80's, but that doesn't mean people should still do it today. Just another of Renee's bad decisions, right along with starring in Empire Records and dating Jim Carrey. She, along with Jay Mohr, present the winners for Best Video in other countries. What's funny is that half the countries picked Ricky Martin. Cooked up in a lab, I tell you. Jay Mohr is pretty funny.

Stone Cold Steve Austin admits that he likes Van Halen and Kiss, so of course MTV has him introduce Jay-Z. The censors have a field day with his performance.

Buddy Hackett? Are you shitting me? What the hell was he thinking agreeing to this gig? It's just embarrassing. And they paired him up with the Blair Witch Kids. I'm sure when MTV planned this all a month ago it seemed hip. But it's over. I still like the chubby one though. He's funny. They present Best Direction in a Video to Fatboy Slim's "Praise You". See, Spike Jonze (who is also behind most of the brilliant Beastie Boys videos) actually directed it, and that was him accepting the award in the guise of the leader of the Torrance Community Dance Group.

Mary J. Blige and Lil' Kim's breast come out to present Best Hip Hop Video. Mary J. apparently had a toothache, since she held her cheek the whole time. Suddenly, out of nowhere, pops Diana Ross and her gigantic hair. Then she FEELS UP Lil' Kim. I thought I imagined it, but she totally jiggled her breast on national television. Anyway, they present the award to the Beastie Boys for "Intergalactic". At first I think the Boys will talk about Tibet again, but they actually make some good points about the rapes at Woodstock, and I'm glad SOMEONE spoke out. Diana Ross interrupts because the spotlight's not on her, I guess. Then Chris Rock pisses me off by making a remark about how sexual assault is to be expected due to Lil' Kim's outfit. Because, you know, if you're a woman and you dress in a provocative fashion, you're just asking for it.

Britney Spears and N'Sync do a routine from the New Mickey Mouse Club. Remember when there were bands? And they played music? I find it amusing that Britney didn't win any awards at all. N'Sync N'Stinks.

Rebecca Romijn-Stamos, Heidi Klum and Tim Robbins present the Viewer's Choice Award. Apparently all three of those people have some tenuous connection to the music industry, but you'd be hard pressed to find it. Oh, wait, Rebecca hosts House of Style now, I think. That must be it. Anyway, unsurprisingly, the Backstreet Boys win. Some guy comes out of the crowd with them and just says, "Wake up at 3". Huh? Like if you're going to crash the podium, at least have something interesting to say.

Lars Ulrich introduces Eminem, Dr. Dre and Snoop Dogg. Snoop Dogg has a strong pimp hand.

A bunch of drag queens come out dressed in Madonna's various incarnations over the years, which is pretty funny. At the end, Madonna herself comes out and pretends to inspect them all. Finally they all leave (and this wasn't staged very well because some of them leave while others stay and take a bow and the whole thing is very awkward). Madonna introduced Paul McCartney. While Paul was without question an important contributor to rock music in general, what has he really contributed to video music? And do we care that Madonna is friends with Stella McCartney? They present Video of the Year to Lauryn Hill. Paul introduces her as Lawrence Hill, and I'm not sure if he's trying to be funny and failing or having a Buddy Hackett moment.

The show has ended, let us go in peace.

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